Dull Domestication Free From Pressure to Pursue

 This space shall be used for my brain being able to express, structure and contemplate certain issues with a philosphical perspective. To be used for essays, ethics or even sociology. My paper shall not be limited by the comodification and reification of this preparation, but it will pour in my being, personality and soul, for words will be the weapon to fight this war.

Why I couldn't clear Prelims 2026 and what my preparation missed, an introspection: 1) Instead of usual 12 months, I gave it 8. Out of which time was wasted due to following a wrong strategy due to Punjab PCS.  2) Instead of focusing on completion of basic books during October- December, I went into this hole of attempting MCQs. All the while my foundational knowledge was non-existent.  3) Lacked weekly revision, I was forgetting the subjects I was doing. For example, I completed modern history and then i felt it slipping out of my mind 4) Completely left Ancient and Medieval History, of which came 20 questions. If I were aware of basic, maybe i could have done 6-8 questions.  5) My basic foundation was not mastered, I needed more revisions and more testing. But I could not due to paucity of time. 6) MOST ANNOYING- there was a very easy question I got wrong because I didn't read not correct in the question. Hence, find a way through this.  7) Current Affairs, no CA ...

2nd December  This is a letter to myself, for a few days later. Regardless of what the result turns out to be. The reality must slap my face and its acknowledgement must be digested. I have not studied in over 2 days, today is third. I don't know if this is a mode of self destruction and self sabotage or actual inability to concentrate. I know I didn't want this particularly but it deserved more respect and effort than what I have given it. A Trailer to UPSC. Should I have not dealt with it properly? Or atleast with a candour serious enough to look into all basic subjects briefly. I do suspect at times that maybe I got too overwhelmed with the little time left. But, it is pointless because I have ended up wasting it more than usual. At time, I also blame it on the rather troublesome drum roll my period creates before its arrival, because the dates align uncannily perfectly. But, is this what i will say incase my CSE exam clashes with my period? Hey, i got my period. I lost it f...

 9th September, The last working day of my short, barely existent corporate life. I blinked, it began, I blinked, it ended. A decision of my own, defying expectations, recommendations and opinions of most. The purpose of this resignation in rebellion, out of passion, and hidden desires. Let me cease to exist in this social realm of the human race. I need not give explanations, I need not give answers, I need not reason others. I have reasoned, answered and explained myself. That is enough. Although seemingly in sync to parental expectations, the very reasoning of the act is in opposition too. I feel the famous "Me against the World". I have absolutely no regrets, although my sanity and impulsivity is questionable, I know I am right. Not to be too egoistic, but I feel spiritually backed up, even if my fellow humans say this is an act of stupidity. I feel it in my gut, the pulsing of navel, and the throbbing heartbeat.  (Very ironicaly, AC/DC's thunderstruck is playing in t...

 5th September,  Today is the day. It has commenced. My eternity of life flashes past my eyes. Each and every moment, experience, instance, sorrow and happiness as if leading to this very second of my life. It is like standing at the edge of a cliff. I have jumped off, hoping the ropes tied to my body will not let me crash to the ground. I fall, free fall, not with fear or questionability but with a sensation to give up all control and just feel the sensation of absolute passion, bliss and faith. Because, what is more to life than a free fall every now and then? The journey of my 12 year old self to 15 years to 18 years to 21years to now. The need to escape, the need for independence, the need for control on daily activities and financial autonomy. I did it. It happened. I could live like this for the rest of my life, havingachieved what I have always wanted. But onemust dream on. I savoured this for as long as I could. Slow and steady each bite, melting in my mouth with every...

5th August The dust on my tongue post an unexpected fall The smell of the fuel from the cars that rush on the highway, past the right turn to the plant The weird dampness in a graveyard The uncooked millets that dread being dumped on a rushed morning The unwelcome wind drying my mouth on an auto ride The sweat on my skin after a failed attempt to perform  The fragrance of my fish post a fresh bowl wash The grainy touch of fresh pages due to overtouching The anxiety burp after the longing to escape My fingertips post an active search for the escape The saliva in after the fruitlessness of my search  The act of impulsiveness The sinking of heart post an act of impulsivity The craving for it every second, hour and day The ideation of escapades every breathing moment The escape itself The longing for an end The need for a beginning Update- 5th Sep: Freedom tastes like giving in to your passions and purpose. i taste it now, in every inch of my soul and being.