A Tuesday Blue- On The Brink of My Existentialism

2nd December 

This is a letter to myself, for a few days later. Regardless of what the result turns out to be. The reality must slap my face and its acknowledgement must be digested.

I have not studied in over 2 days, today is third. I don't know if this is a mode of self destruction and self sabotage or actual inability to concentrate. I know I didn't want this particularly but it deserved more respect and effort than what I have given it. A Trailer to UPSC. Should I have not dealt with it properly? Or atleast with a candour serious enough to look into all basic subjects briefly. I do suspect at times that maybe I got too overwhelmed with the little time left. But, it is pointless because I have ended up wasting it more than usual. At time, I also blame it on the rather troublesome drum roll my period creates before its arrival, because the dates align uncannily perfectly. But, is this what i will say incase my CSE exam clashes with my period? Hey, i got my period. I lost it for a little bit there. Pardon the one year that slipped through my fingers. 

I also do not meditate, even though I realise the necessity it has in my emotional stability. I have not spiralled into my existential crises for long, until 4 days before one of the most important  exams of my life. A trailer to THE most important one. I am too exhausted cry. I am too exhausted to study. Then what am i doing here? How can I be exhausted without even being half way through what I came here for? I constantly tell myself, I can do this. There something in me that others cannot see, but what I cannot see that my own self holds that thing back. It is like an explosion waiting to happen.

I am a volcano. Please let me explode. I promise I will not be composite, but rather a shield. The tectonic plate movement has built up so much inside. My passion is magma. Leaving my job was getting through one layer. I have three more to go. One down, three more to go. 

It is scary, exciting, overwhelming, and success-lustrous. Can I do it? I can. I can do it. I must believe. I must have faith, I can do it and nobody on Earth can convince me I cannot. Even at my lowest and saddest of outbreaks I will never think the opposite. Because I know I can. I have a purpose I must fulfill. 24 years will not be in vain. Every happiness, suffering and adventurous would lead up to that very point. I cannot even imagine that moment of catharsis. It will be true catharsis. I can almost feel the butterflies composing my body just be set free, and then and only then I will know that I am on the right path. The journey begins only then.

My identity then will be no more linked solely to gender, class, status, background or whatever meritless typifications that exist. My worth would then be proven by merit. And ofcourse God's blessings and their support for me. Yes God is gender neutral to me. Afterall they are just an eternal form so why he?

Yes I am scared. Yes I doubt myself and criticize myself and hate myself at times for not being perfect. But I have faith. I have faith in God that they will help me. And I have faith in myself that I can follow that path will all the life that is inside me. I am loved, supported and smart. I have nothing missing in my life. And I am grateful for that. But, there is something left that I need to sought and I must get that. 

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