The Bus to Nowhere


 I just spent 30 minutes bathing, all the time thinking about what I was going to write. And now that I sit here with my laptop open, whilst sucking on the living juice of the apple in my mouth, I am once again blank. I have been constantly thinking about how I am dealing with things and it exists as an extra heaviness in my heart that has the tendency to pull my mind and its peace along with it. Down into the oceans of nothingness, where the questions of morality and existence live. From being one of the most stable women you could have met to being one of the most messed up and unstable one has been a journey shorter, quicker, and more boring than you can imagine. What should I say? One fine day, i was getting no attention then I thought let me go get some and only ended up getting problems. Lots of problems, one after another. Problems being the social situations that I was failing to deal with. As if I had not failed enough in my living existence, the bright light of social failures too was lit into my face.

Stability, it's funny how this small word stands on innumerous pillars, and the architecture is such that when a pillar falls, the "stability" begins to fall "in", only to be dominated by it completely and turn into "instability". My pillar fell. My pillar fell and I kept looking for replacements. Despite knowing, that this pillar needs to be replaced by rebuilding it from the inside, I look out. I look at you. Then there are these moments, which flood my very being with disappointment. Disappointment in the self, questioning what I am doing. How moronic can you be, looking for dependence on others without even looking at yourself. Where have you landed? In such a state of uncertainty. Exhaustion. You gave in completely, from top to bottom. Your heart, mind, and soul. Compromised all that could have existed only to land here. Alone. Lonely and of course, unstable. A state of unbreathable space. Inability to give in and inability to bear the thought of giving in. Again. I'd rather be sad and lonely, than think about doing it all over again. Knowing the after-effects it comes with, i cannot do it again. i will not do it again. Unless and until there is certainty. Certainty that they will stay. But now I am an epitome of uncertainty. An epitome of confusion and ofcourse, instability. 

And so I go. I come and I go, until I am lost myself in the realm of unknown, which I once so badly wanted to explore.

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