An enabled despair

 

I am back, in this world where your insides have no meaning. Every part of your crying existence is a facade, covered by a house, clothes and luxury unattained for. I don't know where I belong anymore. In a world, where I was meant to carve my own space, I look for spaces in other's arms. My inability to just be. Alone. Not lonely, but alone. I gaze at them for peace. Only to find myself tangled, twisted and turned down in a mess that I so proudly created. You were wrong. I can leave pieces of my unruly and chaotic soul behind, not as a ghost, but in bits and pieces of poetry you will find on walls, tables and chairs.

When i got out of the place of social anxiety, my body collided with the brain. The brain led the path to a mind, so hollow, lonely and dark, that my body carried it in her arms and wept. Wept for the darkness and despair she pushed into the mind. Now, the mind murmurs the chaos that thrives in it. The pain that spreads in it like a plague. The anxiety that has overpowered the peace and now rules the throne. As she caressed it, she mummed songs of silence, to push away the chaos. But, the outlet for sadness was blocked by the expectations of the brain. And now there's an awkward ringing that disconnects the body, the mind and the brain. 

Control. All I wanted was control and it slipped out of my hands like I let the love of my life slip out. Like I let my passion slip out. Like I let my happiness slip out. Almost 22 years of power struggle, has left nothing but ashes of an empty purpose. Now I carry the ashes in diaries, narrating stories of sadness. "Here look, this is what I was, take me"

Popular posts from this blog

The Joke is on "You"

Image
How do I go about solving a conflict, wherein the heart is too brittle to endure loneliness and the ego is too engorged to ask for help. My heart, a desperate lover seeking reassurance on an hourly basis, and the ego, a thick skinned imbecile never allowing the heart its bravery. If only she could shove him to the edge of my body, and deep dive into the infinite possibilities the world has to offer.  So, the three of us, stuck together as an incompetent team, push and pull one another with our own prerequisites and the desired outcomes. The result? An evergreen jungle of emotions, a suspicious view of the world, and an undying need to escape.  But, what if. Just, what if. The three of us walked in unison toward a common goal. What could be the resultant of this minor escapade? Nearly revolutionary. In the face of failure however, all three of us would wish to disappear from the face of earth with an agreed upon timing to quit the game.  Until then, the bickering, the dile...
Read more

9:9:9- Cosmic Code of Change

 9th September, The last working day of my short, barely existent corporate life. I blinked, it began, I blinked, it ended. A decision of my own, defying expectations, recommendations and opinions of most. The purpose of this resignation in rebellion, out of passion, and hidden desires. Let me cease to exist in this social realm of the human race. I need not give explanations, I need not give answers, I need not reason others. I have reasoned, answered and explained myself. That is enough. Although seemingly in sync to parental expectations, the very reasoning of the act is in opposition too. I feel the famous "Me against the World". I have absolutely no regrets, although my sanity and impulsivity is questionable, I know I am right. Not to be too egoistic, but I feel spiritually backed up, even if my fellow humans say this is an act of stupidity. I feel it in my gut, the pulsing of navel, and the throbbing heartbeat.  (Very ironicaly, AC/DC's thunderstruck is playing in t...
Read more

Please Find Attached- PFA

Image
My heart reaches out to my intestines in an attempt to twist them upside down. My brain stops as it concentrates on the changing position of the organ that it so meticulously wishes to drive. Then there is not a trifle of my mind left to be utilized. Closing my eyes, I picture drifting shapes of my insides as I am looked top to down by the world. What for? For my dumbness, for my uselessness and for my inability to succeed. A departed body walking around with a highly capable brain, that is being wasted away to the sensation of the twisting intestines. Every time I try, I trip on my own expectations. Then I lie on the floor pretending that this was a choice I made, as rivers of failures flow down my face. I continue laying as my heart successfully manages to damage my intestines. I continue laying as connoisseurs comment on my distasteful act of falling. Which probably occurred due to my unintelligent brain. I don't know what pains me more, my own expectations or being deemed as du...
Read more