Why my body decays?


 I forgot this sensation of serenity. The glimpses of passing moments when everything seems perfect. When I don't complain about my suppressed rebel

I bloom in ways of the unknown

A rebel with the will to kill

Kill for what?

Kill for my sanity, accountability and liberty

Where freedom is not granted to me for short periods of time

But a part of my being for I am a human

Short periods of dopamine. Like shots of happiness. Getting drunk on the beauty of existence followed by losing myself in its sorrows. My sorrows? They ask what are my sorrows and I go quiet. My sorrows based on 21 years of a comfortable life and privilege. My privilege a blessing yet a sin. With what mouth should I complain without feeling guilty of comfort and not having had to work hard for the things I have in my life. Yet I lose myself in a guilty sorrow. So my body decays. My body decays with the decay of my thoughts. And so I deteriorate. I imagine my blood getting thicker. My heart pumping faster. My liver eventually degrading. And I am gone. And I think to myself. That's the worst way I could go. I want to die of a bullet shot, dying in a plane crash while I was going to do something for the world, dying in Afghanistan, kidnapped and shot in Kenya because I fought against FGM. Shit, this gives me such a clear perspective of what I want in my life. Not of thickening blood and degrading liver. So my body decays, and I let it while I lose myself deeper in guilty sorrows. My lover and I part. My body and I part. My mind and sanity part. And I am lost. 

Until I think now no more. My lover and I may part, but I'll use his memories as the steps to move on in my life. My body will be treated like a temple, pleasured, fed and tickled. My mind will be sane, whilst the neuron pathways widen and I control its functioning and sorrows. And I'll die in Galapagos Islands saving the colourful biodiversity from illegal hunters. Now that seems like a life, not the way I am living it right now. 

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