Decay


 When did I stop writing letters to my pen pal? When did I droop so low that I became self destructive? When did I start committing egoistic suicide everyday? According to Emile. Ofcourse.

When did i stop meditating despite knowing I can't do without it? When did I start taking 9 months to read a book? I could have given birth to an elemental being instead. But, I read ONE book. When did I forget what I lived for? When did I forget to love what I do? 

When did I become deaf, blind and mute?

Today, I asked myself a question. One I used to ask myself all the time when i was young. I need to travel back to my memory box. I cribbed for so long about being born. Legends say when i was born, i was frowning. i frowned every day for 4-5 years. every day i talked to god and said, " Again? Are you kidding me? You want me to do this all over again? What is left for me here? Absolutely nothing. There seems to be an error. I demand you to get me back up right away." He never replied though. It was just me in my head. Still am. While people my age were busy being social and materialistic. I questioned my purpose. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE NOW? WHY AGAIN? WHAT IS LEFT? still no response.

So i stopped questioning. but. now it seems i have lost myself. I love and i am loved. yet, i do not know who i am. who am i. who am i. who am i. who am i. who am i.

Here. have some pain and you will know exactly who you are. huh. thank you. it hurts alot. i want out. but wait.

i am liking it. i see it. i see myself. its hazy. its foggy. but, there I am. look. i am peaceful. i am satisfied. i am at ease. i am happy. look. right there. i just need to reach her. That. That there is my purpose.

where when how. I do not know. 

For now. let me wilt. let me decay. just some more. its bringing me peace. let it exist. even if its sad. let me simply exist. 

 

Popular posts from this blog

The Joke is on "You"

Image
How do I go about solving a conflict, wherein the heart is too brittle to endure loneliness and the ego is too engorged to ask for help. My heart, a desperate lover seeking reassurance on an hourly basis, and the ego, a thick skinned imbecile never allowing the heart its bravery. If only she could shove him to the edge of my body, and deep dive into the infinite possibilities the world has to offer.  So, the three of us, stuck together as an incompetent team, push and pull one another with our own prerequisites and the desired outcomes. The result? An evergreen jungle of emotions, a suspicious view of the world, and an undying need to escape.  But, what if. Just, what if. The three of us walked in unison toward a common goal. What could be the resultant of this minor escapade? Nearly revolutionary. In the face of failure however, all three of us would wish to disappear from the face of earth with an agreed upon timing to quit the game.  Until then, the bickering, the dile...
Read more

9:9:9- Cosmic Code of Change

 9th September, The last working day of my short, barely existent corporate life. I blinked, it began, I blinked, it ended. A decision of my own, defying expectations, recommendations and opinions of most. The purpose of this resignation in rebellion, out of passion, and hidden desires. Let me cease to exist in this social realm of the human race. I need not give explanations, I need not give answers, I need not reason others. I have reasoned, answered and explained myself. That is enough. Although seemingly in sync to parental expectations, the very reasoning of the act is in opposition too. I feel the famous "Me against the World". I have absolutely no regrets, although my sanity and impulsivity is questionable, I know I am right. Not to be too egoistic, but I feel spiritually backed up, even if my fellow humans say this is an act of stupidity. I feel it in my gut, the pulsing of navel, and the throbbing heartbeat.  (Very ironicaly, AC/DC's thunderstruck is playing in t...
Read more

Please Find Attached- PFA

Image
My heart reaches out to my intestines in an attempt to twist them upside down. My brain stops as it concentrates on the changing position of the organ that it so meticulously wishes to drive. Then there is not a trifle of my mind left to be utilized. Closing my eyes, I picture drifting shapes of my insides as I am looked top to down by the world. What for? For my dumbness, for my uselessness and for my inability to succeed. A departed body walking around with a highly capable brain, that is being wasted away to the sensation of the twisting intestines. Every time I try, I trip on my own expectations. Then I lie on the floor pretending that this was a choice I made, as rivers of failures flow down my face. I continue laying as my heart successfully manages to damage my intestines. I continue laying as connoisseurs comment on my distasteful act of falling. Which probably occurred due to my unintelligent brain. I don't know what pains me more, my own expectations or being deemed as du...
Read more