Let's act ok

29th May, 2022 

Chole khaonge ke dal? But plate ch ta aloo ne kale. Kithe ai chole? Kithe ai dal?

What is your day like? Mine is shit. Let's be positive. Mine is more like shush it. A traffic jam of questions. No one question being clear. Hence, no answer available to anything. But then again, all the answers lie inside you, you just need to wait for that moment when it stumbles in your brain by mistake. Just another rambling thought. But hold on. Shit. It is an answer to that question I asked when I was 4 years old or 7 years old. It is the solution to that puzzle that made me cry at the age of 8. I started writing poetry not because I wanted to or because I wanted to be good in english or because I wanted to understand authors. The only reason I started writing was because I enjoyed rambling. Hell I still do. Letting your brain go on a trip of wandering thoughts. Why? Maybe, just may be. I can stumble upon the right thought. Find all the answers. Discover the truth. It didn't matter if it were the universal truth or mere hallucination and consolation to my feelings, emotions and the purpose of my living. I just wanted that thought. So I wrote. I let myself ramble. I let myself drown in the ocean of my mind. Where I believe all the answers lie. Poetry was just a consolation prize. More like the participating certificate you get when you didn't win the debate competition in your school. Or the marathon you ran but never completed. Yes that is poetry to me. A result of my rambling. Sometimes even I don't understand what I have written. But that's ok. Not my problem. I couldn't find my answer. So that shall just lie in my closed dusty diary as just another poem. A consolation prize. I can write they say. But I don't think i can. I can only think and overthink and over explain or just emphasize in a complicated manner. So that is what poetry is to me. I have poor creativity but I have the art to wander off. A skill much prevalent in my real world too. Do i want to contain it? Absolutely not. The answers still lie in there. It would just be a sad state if I don't ever find them. But that doesn't make me sad. I will be back on Earth again. Wandering off again. Rambling again. Drifting apart from the reality into the reality that I think is real and people think is made up. I know why I haven't been upto the mark lately. 

I stopped searching. I stopped looking. I stopped rambling. I stopped needing the answers. Hence, there is no drive now. No necessity to ramble. And now everything is dull and just a mere way of existence. Then eventually I realise. The life i am living right now, has been my biggest fear. Then I fall apart. I am driving, and i start to cry. Randomly realising that I have no drive. It makes me not want to love myself. It makes me want to slap myself and tell myself wake up, you ass. where the fuck are you. You used to want and now you don't want anymore. You used to be an explorer, now you are just dumb and dim. Mediocre. Simply existing. Then the fear of failure rushes in. The disappointment. Ghosh, the bloody disappointment. You can tell me I am doing fine. But, i have failed myself. My inner yearning. My quests. My very purpose. Now that is sad. 

So. Here I am. On a new quest. Trying to find the rambling me again. The outter disciplined me. And the inner havoc creator. Yes. That is exactly what I want. More like need. To be just happy. Not satisfied. But only happy. I haven't found the thing that satisfies me yet. Maybe a trip in my brain shall find that answer too. Soon.

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