what to do when your heart is a mess. nothing. turn it into stone.

 5th February 

its been 15 days. Just as i think i got my shit together. the pieces of my heart that i had collected fall again. this time they break into tinier pieces. making it even more difficult to collect it. so what do i do? the rebellion that once existed is on flames. all of a sudden i want to do the reckless possible shit. its like i purposely wan to wreck things around me. like texting an ex. starting to smoke. wanting to get drunk. sneaking out of home. its like the once silenced teenager is screaming and breaking things again. like punching walls in anger. tearing things in frustration. ah yes. its all coming back. wanting to break someone's heat just to stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time. 

the human being that once wanted you unconditionally, pushes you away. suddenly life is all abut being all alone again. but, you haven't been used to it in so long. so the only way to describe how you feel is anxious and lonely. you dont want to be weak but you are. things that you once had started to ignore are in the limelight again. suddenly you want that freedom again. suddenly you want to do everything wrong again. you want to make out with the guy who is looking for friends with benefits, you want to skip the library to go anywhere, you want to try drinking again, you want to try smoking again, you want to be an ass hole again, only and only to forget about that one fucking human being. 

suddenly there is nothing left to change. oh no there is. my fucking heart that melts too quickly for people. only to replace it with something stoney and cold. something highly resistant to the concept of collectivity and dependence. dependence is a bitch. it must be murdered. 

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