life or something like it

 Dear us,
Thank you for calling me beautiful when I called myself a pregnant cow who feel in the mud. Thank you for loving my hair before anyone else did. Thank you for holding my heart when I cried with my eyes puffed up with anxiety. Thank you for seeing me as Ms Universe even when I felt like a bloated pig before my periods. Thank you for having coffee with me on a highway. Thank you for never letting me feel guilty and thank you for teaching me to love myself. Thank you for being there, every single second and thank you for kissing my eyes when we met.
Thank you for existing.
And thank you for loving.
I realised today, I spent most of the year complaining about what I didn't have or could have had or need or desire or aspire for. But, now that another 365 days of my life have almost gone, I believe I lost nothing. I only gained. Even if it was a little. It was a gain. So why so much anxiety and panic and stress and discontentment, when ultimately I lost nothing. My bones are intact. My brain grew. My experience exploded. My love bloomed. My heart throbbed.
So basically, in the last 20 years, I have gained things every year and lost negligible. Despite that, with every passing year, i seem to be discontent and dissatisfied and frustrated. Why? My own expectations, demands and desires have grown by a huge level as compared to my personal growth. As a result, ingratitude. I have spent so much of my time constantly complaining that I completely forgot about all that I have gained. This is the biggest flaw I have and maybe the first I have accepted.
So here is a major ass new year resolution. Don't seek gratification. Find gratification in what's already there. But regardless of that dream. Dream about walking on the Adams Bridge and strolling in the Garden of Eden. Dream and do. But, feel gratified throughout. Or probably my brain will cripple with anxiety and frustration by the time I'm 40. And I for one want to see a century.

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